The Slugfork Portal

A little something I wrote today…

The following incident happened last night.

(Probably not a recommended read for people who don’t like/are huge fans of slugs…)

The Slugfork Portal

There’s a portal which sporadically appears in our kitchen.  A rather item-specific, sporadic portal.  Slugs, of all sizes, sometimes materialise in the early hours of the morning and seemingly forks, of all types, dematerialise.  The fork to slug ratio is probably around 1:33.  I haven’t kept detailed figures.

I’ve never seen the portal ‘in action’ and I’m not sure of its exact location but I am convinced of its existence.  Luckily the slugs do not directly take the place of the forks and instead opt for the surfaces, the sink or, more often than not, the floor.

Last night I had my first experience of mistakenly going into the kitchen without my glasses on at around 2am to fetch a mug of water before bed and having the misfortune to ‘pop open’ a slug with the base of my left foot.  The slug had been squelching to freedom on the floor just by the cupboard under the sink.  It had almost reached the back door, portal to our garden…

I think I am the last of the house’s current inhabitants to experience this joy.  Having a black and white tiled floor adds to the danger levels.  Luckily (for me at least) my foot was slightly protected by a rather bright cyan coloured tight.  The juice still managed to permeate the membrane however and stick to my foot, absorbing into my skin.

I stood in the kitchen, knackered from a long day at work, followed by a night out and a medium length walk home, pretty disgusted by what had just happened and, indeed, the seeping slug attached to the under side of the left foot of my tights, which I was holding as at much of a distance as I could by pulling the tight away with my hand.  I stared at it with a distinct grimace underscored by blank tiredness.

After removing the still slightly wiggling corpse with a piece of extra absorbent kitchen roll and (I regret) unceremoniously dumping it in our kitchen bin, I awkwardly removed my cyan tights so that the sullied foot of them did not once again touch my own and then ran the necessary part of them under the tap.  I then cleansed the sole of my foot and wiped away the slug death residue on the floor next to a much smaller slug, still squelching its way to freedom, triumphantly unperturbed by the sudden slaughter of its comrade in squelch which had just occurred at a worryingly close distance to itself only moments before… all the while dodging another slug which was dangerously close to one of the camouflaging black floor tiles.  Finally I filled a mug up with water and shuffled off into my room, trying to stop replaying the slug death sensation in my head.  Euck.

This morning I have been pondering the reason for the slugfork portal.  Where does it lead?  What needs to be in place for it to open?  Is someone in 1944 enjoying the extra forks that keep appearing in their kitchen?  Are the slugs from a distant galaxy or another dimension?  Part of me wishes that the portal worked the other way around, but that would then possibly entail more slugs in our kitchen and a bleeding fork-pierced foot in the early hours of the morning rather than a slime covered one.

I’m not sure that they have forks in distant galaxies but I would sure as hell like to find out.  In the meantime, we probably need to buy some more forks.

Gardening of the Mind

I had never really appreciated the great satisfaction of gardening until recently when something clicked and I realised that gardening is a bit like tidying, but with plants.  I am a huge fan of tidying and order (VIRGO!) and so, suddenly, gardening became a rather attractive activity.

One day, whilst having a good weed, it struck me that what I was doing to our garden out the back there, was a bit like what I am currently doing to my mind:

First of all I had become more aware of my ‘garden’.  So far I hadn’t actively planted anything in it, someone else had done this and I had been letting things grow as they wanted to, cutting things back a bit every so often.  I realised that my garden is not entirely as I would like and that some ‘plants’ are taking up more than their fair share of space, but that I also have a say in what makes up my garden so I can make changes.

Despite wanting everything to be different NOW (arrrrrghh!) I can only chip away at it and must accept that plants may not be entirely weeded out the first time around – I will have to keep checking back to see what’s sprouting up and tending to things as necessary.  The work will never be done but will get easier if I make a good initial effort and then make a promise to keep on top of things.

I’m not really sure what some of the plants are and if I want to keep them – I may have dug up and discarded some treasures by mistake… but I can always change the make up of my garden and try new stuff out.  Some things may not grow first time around but I can try again, perhaps following someone else’s advice on how to get the best results.  I can also try out different tools.

The garden will never look the same each day – plants will grow and change and outside forces will affect them, and the plants may affect each other, but I have a fair amount of control, and whilst I’m gardening I can appreciate what an amazing thing my garden actually is, including all the elements I never realised were there, growing and scuttling away, as well as being grateful for the things that the previous gardeners have planted that have grown so quietly and steadily.

I also now better appreciate that the weeds have their own beauty and purpose too: the various bugs are happy with them; they can have lovely flowers and they are really impressive growers, so it’s not the end of the world if they grow back – they’re not ‘bad’, I just have to keep them in check.

So here’s to your own gardening activities!  As I become a more experienced gardener I hope to share my tips – I’d like the fruits of my garden to be enjoyed by more people than just me alone.

I planted some crocuses the other week – fingers crossed they pop their heads out of the ground next Spring…

(Originally written for Moodscope.)

Keep on keeping on

Yesterday I had a photo shoot courtesy of Scott Hallman of Funk Vision (the company I’m doing the short Horror Film with.)  Lots of good piccies!  I’ve got several hundred of them to sift through, so it will be a while until I’ve managed to find time to choose the best selection, but when I’ve done that they shall be straight up on my Gallery page!  Will let you know when that’s done…

Wet Shards update:  Most of the pictures have now been found.  Only a handful left to get.  Fingers crossed I shall be drawing away feverishly next week…  Woo hoo!

As for today – Emma will be round in about 10 minutes so we can do some more work on our Sitcom Treatment.  Teabags are at the ready!  🙂

Great use of the garden

Yesterday me and Emma sat in the Bank Holiday sun and did some more prep work for our sitcom.  We are now the proud owners of six back-of-a-dvd/television-guide type blurbs – one for each of our planned episodes.  It took some work to whittle our complicated plots down to this size whilst still retaining their quirkyness, but we got there in the end with the aid of a couple of cups of tea, some nice biscuits and a smattering of birdsong.  Now to rejig the treatment a bit and write a few short taster sections of dialogue…

On the Wet Shards front, Vittoria from FP has been trawling through Google image search as well, finding some great pictures, so the list of stuff to find gets ever smaller and the inking of issue one gets ever closer.  My deadline is the end of this month.  That really doesn’t feel very far away in the slightest…

Quality Time

Today was mainly devoted to getting on with the sit-com treatment.  I have neglected it of late, but a good few hours on it has ensured a good deal of progress.  All I can do for now has been done, and I have sent it off to be taken apart by some more knowledgeable friends of mine.  There will have to be a fair few changes I’m sure, but I’m certain that we’re on the right track.  Emma is chipping away at it all too so the mountain is looking more and more like a welcoming hill.  Crunch time is getting closer…


Been doing some useful work this afternoon on the Treatment for the sitcom that’s being developed by Emma Hamilton and myself.  I really wish I didn’t have to stop to eat and to get ready for work tonight – the treatment is long overdue, and I was in on a roll…